Heartbreaking news today about Caroline Flack, and what a legacy to leave us with….
“In a world where you can be anything, be kind.”
None of us know the demons she was battling. What we do know however, is that she was a person, she had feelings, she has a family that loved her and she had a beautiful smile.
Who are we to pass comment on what happened behind closed doors? We read the stories, we listen to other people’s opinions and we judge.
I genuinely do believe that many people have anxiety in one form or another. When you hear kind words or see kind actions, you can see the greater good and can work through those anxieties. However, when you hear one person say a mean thing to you or more often about you to another, it creates questions in your mind. And when it’s someone you care about, someone you value the opinion of or someone you believe knows you the best, you start to believe those mean things.
Reach out to your friends, check in on your loved ones and fill their hearts and minds with as many kind and loving words as you possibly can. To you it might seem like nothing, but to them it could mean the world. ❤️
Today was my final session of Compassion Focus Therapy Training. I have found these sessions really beneficial on so many levels.
To have compassion for myself, compassion for others and open to receiving compassion from others.
What does compassion mean? Is it giving someone a hug when you see them hurting? Is it being mindful of the feelings of others? Is it lending that ear when someone wants to talk, or being that shoulder to cry on?
Compassion is an unconditional acceptance in the moment of feelings – this can be done without judging or affirming the actions that lead to those feelings. We can use mindfulness to move forward once we have received/given compassion.
An attack on others is an attack on yourself and to become compassionate willing, let loose the illusion of negativity and focus on love.
We have two choices, look at the negatives of others or see their love.
By choosing to look at the negatives of others, I am also focusing on the negatives within myself. Quite often I tell the girls that if they see a behaviour or action of another that they don’t like, they need to look at their own behaviour first and recognise whether they are behaving or acting in the way they wish to see.
Yet when I focus on another persons love, I give love to myself and beyond.
This does not deny the negativity in someone but only they are irrelevant in my perception. I acknowledge their negativity but choose not to dwell on it.
I accept that I am not everyone’s cup of tea, and I also accept that others may not approve of what I do, the decisions I make or the information that I share.
I also accept that I give love, I am doing the best that I can, I am strong, I am loving and I am ME ❤️
On reflection, this is how my to do list should have looked this morning. Instead my bright yellow post it note was filled with, call…., reply to ……., chase ……, speak to…….., meet with….., text……. ironing….
Whilst at twin club my friends were chuckling at my list and my mission to complete it.
How often do we set our physical to do list to one side and work on our inner self to do list! Take time to breathe, sit back and listen to a book, take a walk for the sake walking. As I picked up our girls from school, I walked home hand in hand with Aj (Pops walking ahead having a happy little chat with herself), we saw birds in the hedge beside us. They were so close we could see the colours of their petals and the type of birds they were. AJ and I had a lovely chuckle at seeing Sam the Great Tit there.
I am so very grateful for the luxury of being able to be with our girls at these times. I love the cuddles on the settee watching The Masked Singer, I love the idle chit chat over dinner and I love the hand in hand wanders whilst observing the world around us.
Today’s training has been Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT). I am attending a four week course (as part of fostering) to encourage me to be compassionate towards myself.
We have been given an incredible diagram of the flows of compassion.
🧍🏼♀️(ourself) ➡️ 👩🏻🤝👩🏼👩🏻🤝👩🏼(others)
👩🏻🤝👩🏼👩🏻🤝👩🏼 ➡️ 🧍🏼♀️
🧍🏼♀️ ➡️ 🧍🏼♀️
Stop for a minute and think about which flow is easier for you….
Mine is the top one, I will happily, easily and confidently give compassion to others. I rarely accept compassion from others and will only ever give myself compassion when I am at breaking point.
“My dear friend;
Because there is some part of you that is imperfect or broke, it can motivate you to work hard to overcome it, and can ultimately bring you success in life. It can also help you to relate to others and become more compassionate. Do not despair over what is imperfect in yourself. Instead, look at your flaws with love.” – Haemin Sunim Love for Imperfect Things
I heard that quote on my audio book as I made the journey to training. So quickly we can be compassionate to others in need, and critical to ourselves for not coping as well as we feel we should. Why is that? Who are we hiding from? Who is putting that level of expectation on us? It’s us, it’s ourselves. You’re having a bad day? That’s ok! Are you not coping well today? That’s ok too! Own it! Today I am happy, today I am stressed, today I am disappointed, today I am overwhelmed – any of it, all of it; That’sok
“Learn to express what you are feeling without agonising over it. It is a life skill every bit as important as learning how to read. Without it, dissatisfaction builds up, arguments break out, and relationships can blow up like volcanoes.” – Haemin Sunim Love for ImperfectThings
It is not selfish to say I need help, it is not selfish to say I can’t help and it is not selfish to say I need 5 mins to myself.
Take the time to love yourself, be compassionate towards yourself and allow yourself the time to do something you love; read a chapter of the book you love, take the dog for a walk, cuddle up to your loved one or watch your baby sleep. By allowing yourself those moments you can reconnect with your happy self ❤️
I’ve woke up this morning with such a fantastic thread of complimentary comments on my Family Contributions blog over on my Facebook profile. Thank you 😍
I’d just like to take the time to thank you for reading my posts, it really does mean the world to me. ❤
So in answer to your questions….
Where did I get the sheets from?
I made them
How did I decide how many contributions each child does?
Each child does twice their age: 13 x 2 = 26 (26 over seven days is less than 4 contributions a day)
How was it decided who would do each task?
Originally I made a list of the contributions that I felt were acceptable for the girls to do. I then put them individually on small pieces of paper and let the youngest pick one first. I had twenty five tasks, with a view that the girls had 5 tasks each. (Girls were ages 13, 12, 9, 9 and 7) They each took a turn and when it came to the final two picks each, I separated the tasks to more age appropriate to allow the younger girls to select the easier tasks. After a couple of months of trial and error, I reevaluated the tasks and switched them around a bit. They are given more contributions than they need to do (age x 2), but that allows them the freedom to not do any contributions should they have after school activities, or not be ‘in the mood’ to help around the home. We have a weekly tasks sheet that is separate to the Contributions list, which breaks down the week into days and is a visual reminder for the girls which tasks is theirs to do on each day in the morning and in the afternoon/evening.
What’s the purpose of the other contributions that are not assigned to a child?
This is to allow the girls to be recognised for helping around the home over and above what is assigned to them. Making tea/coffee for guests, watering plants, cleaning the bathroom (like that ever happens!) and such like.
What’s the parent special credit?
This is where Peach or I give the girls an extra credit for going above and beyond. I have given credits for acts like being the only child that takes their water bottle out of their bag at the end of school, or the only child that has took their dirty plates and cutlery into the kitchen and put it straight into the dishwasher without being asked and for kindly helping her sister tidy her bedroom without being asked to.
Is it possible to get a copy of the Family Contributions file?