2020 · October 2020

Do you see what I see? – 10.10.2020

Anxiety has been a demon of mine that I have spent a fair part of my adult life fearing.

Anxiety to me physically is my heart racing, my hands, my arms, legs and shoulders shaking. Mentally, I overthink. I want to send you a message to say “Hi, are you free to talk?”, but won’t because you might be busy with someone else, I don’t want to interrupt your day with my crazies. What if you tell someone else? What if you think I’m a bad person? What if I say something that upsets you? What if I can’t explain myself properly and end up saying something I don’t want to.

I’ll leave it. It’s not that important anyway. I’ll be ok, let’s just forget about it.

Tomorrow comes and I feel fine, what was I worrying about? I throw myself into keeping busy, listening to my self help audio books, holding my girls and cuddling up to hubby; all is good, all is well……..

Then something reminds me, a smell, a name, an item I see, sometimes even something on the tv – it could be anything but it has reminded me. I am reminded of the anxiety that consumes me, and I am stuck. I can’t tell you, why didn’t I let you know yesterday? Now I’m angry and you’ll be angry with me for not letting you in sooner. I really need you, why haven’t you noticed that something’s bothering me, why haven’t you asked me what’s wrong? I know you asked how I was yesterday, but I couldn’t tell you yesterday, I didn’t want you to know. I see you laughing, I see you happy, why should I bring you down with my worries. I’ll leave it. And this is the cycle of my anxiety which can continue for days, weeks and sometimes months.

Truth of the matter is, I have some truly amazing friends and loved ones. People who get me, people who, I now know, will take me as I am and love me as I am.

I no longer live in fear of my anxiety, I accept it. It is a part of me, it reminds me that I am still alive, that I have so much to live for and so much to be grateful for.

Mental health is a silent killer, but it doesn’t have to be. We all have a little bit of crazy in us and that’s ok. Accept that we are all different, accept that we all deal with things differently and most importantly – Be kind ❤️

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